What the Pamphlet Didn't Say

"For forty years I was a doubter - unable to really believe in any thing," says Garth Jones, a fifty-three year old ex-RNZAF aircraft electronics engineer and now a technician at the Electronic Calibration Centre at the Naval Dockyard.

I seemed to have retained some belief in God from my younger days because, strangely, I felt guilty about doubting him! The real problem was accepting Jesus as real. Jesus seemed to be a wonderful legend, but I could not feel any personal conviction that he actually existed, and really was the Son of God.

As a child, I had gone to Sunday School, Bible Class, and on to Confirmation Class. A week or two before being Confirmed the Devil got to work on me. He said to me, "What if this is all made up? What if you spend your whole life following this thing and it turns out not to be true?" Well, this completely undid me and I pulled out of the class.

I had put God on the 'back burner,' but he was still watching out for me. God saw to it that I married a Christian, Julie, who waited patiently and trustingly for many years. Twenty-six years after marrying Julie we were invited to attend Alpha. It was easy to say, "Perhaps next time!" When 'next time' came around I found myself saying, "Yes," almost as if the decision had already been made for me.

From the first evening I felt involved and eager. The Alpha pre-course pamphlet tells of starting the evening with food, talks by Nicky Gumbel, the suppers, socialising, and the small group discussions that follow. It was what the pamphlet didn't say that were the most important gifts of Alpha for me.

Soon after starting Alpha I re-found my belief in God. I began to pray regularly and to experience the love of God. Accepting Jesus as real and personal, however, still alluded me. I started Alpha insisting that I needed proof of Jesus' existence - real documentary, courtroom-type proof - from contemporary historians, independent of the Bible's authors. The opening video dealt with this well, but surprisingly, while I began to accept Jesus as historical fact, I still could not feel a personal connection with him.

During the year prior to attending Alpha, Julie had suffered a badly crushed sciatic nerve. The specialist pronounced it one of the worst cases he had seen and she began a course of three very painful cortisone injections. This brought an immediate partial ' fix.'

Some time before we were due to go on the Alpha Weekend she aggravated the original injury and severe pain broke out again. In the week before the Alpha Weekend she was often in tears and doubted whether she would be able to attend. All that week I found myself praying intensely for her to be healed, while running my hands over the painful area, but nothing happened. Fortunately, however, she was still able to attend the Weekend.

On the Saturday afternoon I was troubled by some things I did not understand and I talked, personally, to a leader. As we talked, Julie joined us and, shortly after, the leader asked if I wanted him to pray for me and I accepted. He prayed a short prayer asking that my doubts be resolved. Julie and I started to walk back to join the main group. She confided to me that something "very strange" had happened. During the prayer for me the acute pain in her spine had gone. Not just 'gone,' but as she described it, "lifted upwards out of her."

I felt dumbfounded. God had answered my prayers for her healing, but what about the answers to my doubts about Jesus?

Two weeks later, as I left work one evening, my boss asked me, "How's your wife, Garth?" He knew of her sciatic condition. I replied that she was greatly improved. "Oh," he said, "and to what do you attribute that?" Here was the test. I fell at the first hurdle, saying, "If I told you, you wouldn't believe me!" "Yes I would," he said, "What was it?" I fell a second time - "No, you wouldn't believe me." There was to be no escape this time. "Yes I would," he said, "what was it?" Very nervously I said, "Would you believe me if I told you it was through prayer?" "Yes, I would," he said, "I've had prayer for my own back!" I discovered he was a Christian.

I left his doorway going over this experience again in my mind. I had blurted out a great secret that I still could not fully understand myself - one that I knew was going to have lasting effects if I confronted it square on. As I ran the experience over in my mind I suddenly realised what had happened at that Alpha Weekend. The healing of Julie's pain was not an isolated event - God had answered the leader's prayer instantly - that my doubts be answered - with a demonstration of his power to me. I was not to question again. I felt exhilarated at the discovery that Jesus had not just lived and died 2000 years ago. Jesus is still here, even to the extent of physical intervention in our lives today. At last I understood! I couldn't wait to get a telephone and tell Julie that all my doubts had simply evaporated.

In the days that followed, I made a personal commitment to Jesus. I felt peaceful, privileged, although unworthy and I felt a sort of continuous inward 'smile' because I had discovered an enormous secret.

So this is what happened at Alpha for me. Alpha is life changing!