Through almost dying I encountered the living God

I had a lovely family, a wonderful circle of friends, and a pretty good life. Then, in 1989, I was diagnosed with having cancer. I had an operation. It went well and I was told there was an 80% chance of a complete recovery. I barely blinked and carried on with life - no problems at all. Some time later my specialist asked me, 'What was it like to nearly die?' I told him, "I hardly realised I had. It wasnât a big thing really." I was still the same person as I was before the cancer. It certainly wasn't life altering to me.

In 1996 I had further bad news. I was not well because of a recurrence of the cancer. It was serious and I was told I was going to die. I accepted that. I was not thrilled, but I put on a brave faceâ and I got on with life.

Some of the symptoms then worsened. I went through radiation therapy and I was told there was a 20% chance the treatment would work...it didn't. I thought, 'Oh well, that's how things go. It's not what one chooses, but what one gets.'

Things didn't go quite as they were meant to medically. Strangely, the problems started to go away. The cancer had appeared in different parts of my body and it was treated as it appeared. Gradually, I began to wonder about the fact that things hadn't gone the way the doctors said they would, and I began to ask 'Why?' I knew a dear friend had been praying for me as had her friends. Finally I thought I must investigate this. I decided to go to Alpha because I was still alive and I wanted to find out why!

Dianne and I had lots of talks on a wide range of topics. She gave me some books to read, one of which was 'The God Who Changes Lives.' I was amazed to read about the Holy Spirit working in people's lives. I knew there was a Holy Spirit from years ago. I'd said it in a creed when I was confirmed - "I believe in the Holy Spirit." I had never had it explained to me what or who the Holy Spirit was and that the Spirit was alive and active today. It was in reading the stories that I realised that for some people there was this living God. That's one of the reasons why I joined Alpha, to find out why I was still alive and to encounter this living God who had made it possible.

I thoroughly enjoyed the weekly sessions: the format; Nicky's talks; the testimonies on the videos - stories of real people; and the supportive people on the course. They were unobtrusive in their manner and very helpful. I could ask any questions I wanted. Alpha was a very positive time for me. I looked forward to every Wednesday. I was also really looking forward to the Alpha Weekend. I wanted to have an encounter with God.

I was prayed for on the Weekend. I had an incredible hot feeling through my entire body. I thought "this is either the worst menopausal flush I'd ever had or it is something else again!" It stayed with me for a long time. I was also absolutely racked by sobs. They came from deep within me. They poured out of me. Tears rolled down my face and my nose was streaming. I had never behaved like that in my life, neither before nor since. Suddenly it dried up and stopped. I felt perfectly calm, pleasant, and felt fine again. Normally, if I'd had a cry, Iâd feel wrung out for the rest of the afternoon, but I was feeling so peaceful. I was very moved by that. I felt God had recognised me, seen me, cared for me, and touched me. I was told that God would show me that he cares about me in a manner that was special to me. God did, one evening in my room I asked him a question that was very personal to me and I got an immediate response. I cling to these memories; they're very precious to me.

I finished my Alpha course. I feel I've embarked now on a very exciting stage of my life. This past year my health has progressively improved. I'm no longer on morphine. I had been on it every day for two years. I felt I no longer had any pain so I decided I didn't need it anymore and stopped. I had no side effects from this.

I still have cancer inside me; I can feel it. But it's sitting in a most unusual manner according to my oncologist. It could flare up again at any time. It may well do, but at the moment I feel I've been given the most wonderful gift - a time where I'm comfortable and happy. I've been given the opportunity to really find and get to know God. That has been the difference between my childhood upbringing in the faith and my faith now - the difference between knowing about God and knowing God personally. It has taken me 30 years and chronic illness to do it. I hope no one else is as stubborn as that!

Marian Cohen died in March 2000