It's a goal!

Justine Bourne has packed a lot into 24 years. Born in England, she moved to New Zealand with her family in the early 1990's. 5 years ago she started seriously umpiring netball and is now ranked as number 5 in New Zealand. When not umpiring on a national basis Justine is seeking qualification as an international netball umpire and also studying Sports Science at Polytech.

This is Justine's story, and what led her to go on an Alpha Course.

Looking back on my life, I can now see God was always there. I grew up attending a Church of England School, in South East London. I can remember being absolutely fascinated with the story and person of Jesus. He was so real and so alive. As a child it was very easy to feel very close to Jesus.

However, as I started to grow up, I paid more attention to the world around me, until eventually that childhood faith in Jesus had all but gone. I always carried on believing that Jesus was the Son of God, but I no longer felt his presence in my life.

I was really lonely. I looked anywhere I could for a feeling of safety, security and acceptance. My biggest fear was that I would be a failure and rejected for it. It wasn't long before I came to measure my self-worth by my achievements. During my teenage years, it no longer mattered to me what I was doing with my life, so long as I was the best at it. In my own mind I had to be number one in everything I did. However, I faced a huge problem. No matter how much I achieved, it was never enough. In fact, the more successful I became, the less satisfied I was.

By the age of about 15 years, I knew that there was something more that I was meant to be doing. I didn't understand what it was, or even where these feelings were coming from. On the outside everything looked fine, however, I knew that I couldn't continue living the way I was. I desperately longed to feel how I had when I was a child, but I no longer felt worthy of Jesus, or of God's love and forgiveness. In my mind, I simply wasn't good enough. Eventually the burden that I felt inside just became too overwhelming, and I knew I had to respond in some way.

One night, out of absolute desperation I cried out "Where are you God? What are you doing? Do you know that I exist? Do you love me?" and finally I admitted I didn't know what I was meant to be doing with my life, and asked God if there was a plan for me, a purpose for my life.

I didn't expect to get answers to these questions. That night, I didn't sleep very well. I woke up early in the morning. It was still dark. I had an unusual and overwhelming urge to turn on the TV. I was still half asleep so I don't know what the programme was that came on, however, a picture of a magazine did register in my mind.

I never did manage to write down the details at the bottom of the screen though, because it was dark, and I had no pen or paper.

That morning I decided to go for a bus ride (not my usual activity on a Sunday morning). I eventually got off the bus at the top of Queen Street. It was raining so I ran inside the shelter. Glancing down there was the magazine I had seen that morning on the TV. 'What a coincidence!' I thought.

I picked up the publication and flicked through it. It's main themes were the Sovereignty of God over our lives and the peace that we can all know through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

I can't adequately describe the feelings that flooded through me at the time, but it was at that moment that I gave my life to Christ. For the first time I really understood that nothing will bring me happiness or peace, other than Jesus.

At that point, I crossed the road and went into the "Tab". (Auckland Baptist Tabernacle) I can remember thinking your life must make a difference, it has to make a difference. When I saw the banner over the stage with the Church Motto in big words proclaiming "Called to Make a Difference", I knew I was where I was meant to be.

Before going on an Alpha Course I considered that I was always a Christian. The Alpha Course not only confirmed and reinforced my understanding of what being a Christian meant, but during the Course I was able to develop and experience a profound and really personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Although things still go wrong, I do know that the pieces of my world are fitting into place. I can see order and a purpose. Things have meaning. Whereas before, everything was just complete chaos, now there is direction.