"I was out of control and too proud to back down"

Growing up in Christchurch, attending Sunday School and Girl's Rallies, I discovered at an early age there is a God. My mother taught me to pray each night and I had a sense of being accepted by this person called God.

I rebelled as a teenager against everything I knew was right, all the while knowing I should be listening to the voice inside. It was a battle of wills. I was out of control and too proud to back down. I forgot God and concluded that He had abandoned me.

By sixteen I was a mother. The reality of this small child, and the emotions he stirred, gripped me with fear. The love I felt for my little boy was overwhelming - it consumed me. I was afraid for us, for our future. Suddenly it wasn't about me any more - I had to clean up my act, and think for this child even though I was still a child myself. I was prepared to protect my little boy with my life.

Then it dawned on me my baby was a gift from God. How could I deny it? Only after I'd come to this realisation did it occur to me that God had never abandoned me, I had turned from God. I felt intense guilt. How could God forgive me now? Why would God want to after all the stirring I had done. These thoughts gnawed at me inside. I couldn't cope with such 'adult' thoughts.

Instead I decided to face the situation. What a mistake! That triggered a defiance that lasted years - a vicious cycle of rebellion - including a lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships, and denial that held me captive. I was torn - I was a good mother, a hard worker, and warm. The rest of me was negative, resentful and cold. I blamed God for everything. It was much easier than admitting my own faults. There was no other light other than love for my son.

One particularly low time, in despair and with nowhere to turn, I prayed, 'Okay God, finally I have to admit I can't cope on my own any more. I need your help. If you can still hear me, then please show me a way out of this mess.'

Slowly things took a turn for the better. Life didn't weigh so heavily on me. This made me think, maybe I'd been wrong all along. Maybe I should let God stay in control. Positive things started happening. I met a wonderful man and eighteen months later became his wife. I felt aware of everything around me. Even during the months leading up to the wedding, I saw small miracles happening in areas I thought were of no importance to anyone but me. This must be God's grace. I figured I had God's consent to be happy.

Several months later I had a call from the minister who married us. He spoke of an up-coming Alpha course, and asked if we would be interested in attending the Introductory dinner. We went, and enjoyed a relaxed, informative evening.

A couple of weeks later I went along to the course's first session. Feeling a little apprehensive I wondered, 'Will I know anyone? Will they like me? Will they judge me', and consoled myself, 'It's okay! It's not compulsory!' and 'I can leave at any time if I'm not comfortable.' To my delight, that first evening was great. The atmosphere was relaxed, the people pleasant, and best of all - no one judged me. This put me at ease almost immediately, and at the evening's conclusion, I realised not only had I been smiling a lot, I was still smiling.

Alpha became the highlight of every week as I excitedly looked forward to Wednesday nights. I totally enjoyed meeting sincere people and sharing views. I was forming wonderful friendships with caring Christians who had a genuine love for Jesus Christ. The group leaders were confident in their faith and fielded a lot of my questions with ease.

At last I realised I didn't need to deny God any longer. Again I accepted God without question, just like an innocent child. I've learnt God never changes. Instead I changed. Through Alpha, my faith increased so much; I feel I could never turn from the Lord again. Once I found faith, I urgently wanted to put things right with God. I knew I had to repent, ask for forgiveness and start again. I did this and invited the Lord Jesus Christ into my life as Saviour.

From that moment Jesus has been at my side, reassuring, leading, and gently guiding me. I now know I am never alone. I'm so grateful to have been part of an Alpha Course. Life has changed in ways I never thought possible. The peace I have found in allowing God to be the driver in my life is amazing. I am more willing to sit in the back seat and let His will be done.