New Zealand Statistics & Figures

In New Zealand :

Since 1970 the rate of marriage has decreased by 66 % while the number of
divorces has tripled

In 2004 there were 21,006 marriages and 10,609 divorces

NZ has the highest rate of births outside marriage for the developed world
Our rate is 44 %

NZ has the third highest teenage birth rate for the developed world

27 % of New Zealand children are growing up in fatherless homes

New Zealand is spending 5.7 billion dollars per year as a direct consequence
of family breakdown.
This amounts to $ 3,000 for every taxpayer

What is The Marriage Course?

The Marriage Course, a series of eight sessions (including The Marriage Course Dinner Party), was designed to help married couples strengthen their relationships. The course covers:

* Building Strong Foundations
* The Art of Communication
* Resolving Conflict
* The Power of Forgiveness
* Parents and In-Laws
* Good Sex
* Love in Action
* The Marriage Course Party

(The Marriage Course Party is an opportunity for guests to invite their friends to hear about the next course. The talk that night is "What Makes a Marriage Work?" and 3 or 4 couples that attended the last course give feedback on their experiences.)

Who designed the course?

The course was started by Nicky and Sila Lee in 1996. Nicky and Sila are on the staff at Holy Trinity Brompton (HTB) - the church in London, England, where the Alpha Course started. They have been married for over 20 years and have four children. The couple have spoken to thousands on the subject of marriage and are the co-authors of The Marriage Book. They run the course at HTB three times a year and around 100 couples attend each course.
What is the aim of the course?

The aim is to help couples build a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime. The course provides them with practical tools to strengthen their relationship and it gives them the time and space to discuss any difficult issues. The hope is it will help them to break bad habits and create good ones to enable their marriage to grow.

We want to encourage all married couples to come on the course. Our aim is that it won't just attract those in crisis but that it will be an opportunity for any couple to invest in their marriage.

How does the course work?

The course is run over eight weekday evenings. At HTB the course is spread out over 10-12 weeks as this gives the couples longer to practise new habits. Apparently it takes at least eight weeks to make or break a habit. The course can be run successfully over eight consecutive weeks.

Each evening starts with a meal. The guests are welcomed and the atmosphere is made as relaxed a possible with candles, table napkins, tablecloths, background music and atmospheric lighting. It is important to make the couples feel they're on a special night out. For the meal, each couple may choose to sit with another couple or couples or on their own. HTB uses small tables (bistro style), which can seat two couples for supper.

After the meal the talk is given live or the video of the talk is played. During the talk there are exercises for the couples to do together. Ideally each couple will sit together at a small coffee table for these. At minimum they are given sufficient space and distance from adjacent couples and music is played at just the correct volume so that no one can be overheard. During the long exercise (approx. 30 mins.) the couples are served coffee and dessert. Dessert takes the form of brownies, or something that can be eaten without plates or forks.

At the end of the evening they are given homework to do together before the next session. (It isn't marked! It is for their benefit.) Each of the sessions builds on the previous ones. At the end of the course there is The Marriage Course Party where couples can invite their friends to come and find out more about the course. The guests sit at tables for about 10-12 people. The venue is decorated beautifully with flowers, tablecloths and music playing in the background (at HTB they use a live band). After dinner a short talk is given on "What Makes a Marriage Work?" and three or four couples that have just completed the course talk about how their marriage has benefited. Guests are then given an invitation to the next course on their way out.

You can find more information on how the course works and an outline of a typical evening in The Leaders' Guide.

At whom is the course aimed?

It is for any married couple wanting to work together and invest in their relationship. Some couples that have attended the course have been married less than two years, while others more than 30. The course is beneficial and enjoyable for those whose marriage is already strong. It also helps couples that are going through difficulties. They are able to re-open communication in a guided and constructive way. Some separated or divorced couples have used the course as a way of trying to reconcile.

Our aim is to break the stigma that marriage courses are only for those with problems. We want to encourage every married couple to invest in their relationship by coming on The Marriage Course. We particularly want to encourage couples in their first five years of marriage to attend as we believe this will help them lay the right foundations.

While the course is based on Christian principles we welcome couples with or without a church background. Many couples from outside the church have enjoyed and benefited from doing the course.

Who should run The Marriage Course?

We recommend that the course is led by a Christian couple committed to seeing marriages strengthened and restored.

We suggest that anyone wanting to lead the course would first take the course with one or two other couples they know, using the videos. This will enable them to become familiar with the content of the course and will also highlight any issues in their own marriage that they may need to deal with before they lead the course themselves.

We also suggest that the couple are accountable to their church leader and that they have other couples who can support them and pray for them during the duration of the course.
How many couples do you need to run the course?

You can do it with one couple or hundreds of couples - it works whatever the size. As the course grows you need to be careful to continue to give the couples space and make the atmosphere as relaxed and welcoming as possible.

What do I need to run the course?

If you are interested in running The Marriage Course, the following resources are designed to help. These are available from the New Zealand Alpha Office.

* The Marriage Course Introductory Guide - An introductory guide for those people who want to know more about The Marriage Course or are thinking of starting a course in their own church, community or with friends.
* The Marriage Course Leaders' Guide - The guide gives you practical step by step information on how to set-up, advertise and run your course. It also gives a detailed timetable for each evening.
* The Marriage Course Video Set - The course talks on video.
* Guest Manuals - You will need two manuals for each couple.
* Invitations - These can be overprinted with information about your course and used to promote the program.
* The Marriage Course Audio Tapes - These are useful to loan to any couple which has missed a session

What administration is involved?

* Venue and Food - You will need to organise the venue and the food. If you are going to have a large group you may want to think about using an outside caterer.
* Registering Couples - You need to register couples coming on your course. The information needed should be taken from your invite/registration form.
* Cost of Course - You will want to charge to cover the cost of the food/manuals/venue. We have found the payment, made in full upon registration, helps with commitment to the program. You may want to make bursaries available for couples that cannot afford the cost.
* Name Tags (for larger courses) - We ask guests to take their nametag at the beginning of the evening. If a guest hasn't taken their tag we presume they were unable to attend and then we provide them with the tape for the evening that they missed.
* Organising helpers/task force - Depending on the size of your course you may want to organise a team of helpers to help serve the food and clear up.
* Manuals - Provide manuals for each guest.
* Pens/Pencils - It is a good idea to provide spare pens and pencils.
* Book Table - You may want to provide a book table with recommended books on it for sale or with order forms from a local bookstore.
* Questionnaires - Questionnaires are provided on week seven to give you feedback on the course. This will also help you to find suitable testimony couples for The Marriage Course Party (The questionnaire is included in the Leaders' Guide).
* The Marriage Course Invitations - These are invitations that the couples can give to their friends. You will probably want a reply slip to be able to gauge attendance.

Where can I get the resources?

Resources can be ordered from the New Zealand Alpha Office (04 477 3997 or office@alpha.org.nz).

Is it better to do the talks live or to use the videos?

When you are first starting out you may find it easier to use the videos, as this will allow you to concentrate on creating the right environment and looking after the guests. You may then decide to go on to do the talks live when you are more used to running the evenings. You may want to use the videos for some evenings and do live talks for others if that suits you; for example, if you don't feel comfortable talking about your sex life you may want to use the video for that evening.

The review/reminder section at the beginning of the evening is ideally presented by the course leaders, but the rest is covered on the videos. Graphics indicate how long the tapes should be paused in order for the couples to have their own discussion.

How does the course work with Alpha?

At HTB they have found that The Marriage Course and Alpha work well together. The Marriage Course works well as a pre-evangelism tool. Some couples who would not feel comfortable going to church for an evangelism course may feel more inclined to go on The Marriage Course. Having done The Marriage Course, some couples will want to find out more about the Christian faith and go on to do an Alpha course. It works the other way round too in that people who have done Alpha then want to go on The Marriage Course to improve their relationship. It is also true that not everyone who decides to lead The Marriage Course belongs to an Alpha church. There may be some churches that do not use Alpha as their evangelism tool but wish to run The Marriage Course.

What do you do about cohabiting couples that want to come along to the course?

HTB does not actively advertise the course to cohabiting couples, but if a couple living together want to come on the course they are welcome. Cohabiting couples have found the course useful and relevant. However, HTB explain that they will be talking about marriage and about husbands and wives. They want to be upfront about the fact that they believe that for the long-term health of a relationship, there needs to be a foundation of commitment, which is what marriage is all about.

What do you do if the couple isn't Christian or if one of them isn't?

People do not need to be Christians to come on the course although it is a good idea to let everyone know that the leaders will be speaking from a Christian context and will share their own experiences of having God at the centre of a marriage.

Do you accept homosexual couples on the course?

That is not part of the purpose of the course. One of the aims of The Marriage Course is to help restore marriage at the heart of family life and help husbands and wives build strong relationships that last a lifetime. Some of the course content is not therefore appropriate for homosexual couples.

What do you do about disruptive couples?

At HTB they say to the couples at the beginning of the course that they will be dealing with a range of emotional issues and therefore there is likely to be laughter and maybe a few tears on some of the evenings. They haven't had couples having blazing rows because of the other couples around them. The course provides a safe and structured environment within which couples can talk about issues that may not be so easy to address calmly on their own.

What do you do if people have serious problems you can't deal with?

It is a good idea to be very upfront about the fact that you are not professional counsellors (unless of course you are!) and therefore if anyone has serious problems that you feel are out of your depth you can refer them on to a professional. For this reason it is important to draw up a list of Christian and secular counsellors in your area who you would be happy to recommend.

You may want to encourage couples that get stuck on certain issues to speak to a leader or a support couple.

At HTB they have found that it is only a small minority (about 5%) that need referring. Many issues that come up are self-sorting. Either the couple works through them themselves or they find that one session with the leaders or a Marriage Support Couple points them in the right direction

What do you charge people to attend the course and have you tried not charging?

The cost should cover the food, manuals and any venue rental charges. Charging at the start can help people feel more committed to the course and saves collecting money each evening for food. It is a good idea to offer bursaries for people who cannot afford the rate if your church/organisation can absorb the cost. You will have to decide what the criteria are for a bursary.

Ask people at the beginning of the course to let you know if they are unable to make any of the evenings. You may want to give them a sheet to fill out on the first evening. This will help you with catering.

What do you do if people miss a session?

If people miss a session you can give them a tape of the talk that they missed. If your course is small enough you may want to send it to them during the week so that they can listen to it before the next session. Otherwise we suggest you have it for them to pick up the next time they attend (for the last session you will need to send it out in the mail).

As for checking up on people who have missed a session - that will depend on whether or not you have got to know them. If it is a couple you know personally or have counselled you may want to phone them if they miss one or two sessions. However we are keen not to put pressure on any couples that choose not to return.

What settings have been used and can it be run in a home?

The course has been run in churches, church halls, conference venues, community centres, coffee shops and private homes. The ideal is a relaxed and comfortable venue.

If you are running it in your home you will want to make sure that you have enough areas or rooms for couples to be able to do the exercises privately. It is important that they don't feel that they are being overheard; background music or moving to different rooms helps facilitate this. The meal could take place at the dining room table as a group. The couples could sit together as a group for the video/talk presentation and disperse to areas or rooms around the house for the exercise time.

What are the recommended seating arrangements for the home or for the church?

If you are running the course in your home, you may want to use the dining room table for the dinner and then break into a larger room to watch or listen to the talk. You will need enough rooms in your home to have a private area for each couple to go to for the exercise.

If you are running the course in the church, it is best to serve the dinner to couples (no more than two) at small tables (bistro style). Chairs are also arranged in pairs at the front of the room where the guests sit for the talks. During the exercise the couple needs an area where they can speak freely without being overheard by the others. Alternately, if using large square or round tables, you may have two couples at each table for the entire evening as long as there is a large enough division at the table to ensure privacy. Another idea is to have the dinner with a few couples at a large table and then have everyone sit at individual chairs in a different area of the church hall during the talk. Using a stool draped with a small tablecloth, with a candle on it, between two chairs is a good way to create an intimate place for a couple to do their exercises and to eat their dessert.

Who are The Marriage Support Couples and how do you train them?

At HTB they find that about 10% of the couples want extra help and a chance to talk through issues with the leaders. At HTB the course grew so large that the leaders were not able to see all the couples so they have other couples called Marriage Support Couples to help them. These couples are introduced at the start of the course and are available to see people at the end of the evening or at another time. How do you spot a potential Marriage Support Couple? They will be a couple that has done the course and are familiar with the material. They should be strong Christians with a strong marriage and they should have a heart for helping people who are struggling.

How much can we adapt the material?

You will want to use your own stories and examples in the talks (if you are doing the talks live). You may also want to find your own testimony couples to speak each week on how they've worked through the issues of that session. However, we would ask that you keep the main structure and content of the course the same. We are keen to keep the integrity of the course - this is because we want to make sure that if someone does the course in London or Timaru it is the same course and they know what to expect.

How do you promote the course?

The best way is for people who have done the course to invite friends to The Marriage Course Party. Like Alpha, we find that personal recommendations work best. In the Leader's Guide there is a section on promoting the course. You may also want to consider advertising in your local newspaper, Church newsletter, community centres and local bulletin boards.

What happens at The Marriage Course Dinner Party?

It is meant to be a social evening - a chance for participants to get to know the other couples taking the course and to invite others who might be interested in finding out what the course is about. Hosts may end the evening with an opportunity for couples to pray with each other. The Dinner Party is not essential to the course, but these evenings have been an enjoyable and helpful addition for many couples.

Any ideas about what to do regarding childcare?

At HTB they don't organise childcare, as their courses have grown too big. However, other churches have mentioned organising childcare. They ask singles and other members of the church to commit to baby-sitting during the course. They say students are particularly interested as they get to spend the evening in a home and also get a good meal left for them!

What is the length of the videos?

The length of the talks for each evening varies from 60-70 minutes, with a break half way through for an exercise, except for the Marriage Dinner Party, which is 44 minutes.

How do I register The Marriage Course?

Please register your course by emailing office@alpha.org.nz. We will keep track of current courses running and keep you informed of the latest developments.